happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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