Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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