She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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