The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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