i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
