the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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