Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
