umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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