I just threw up on my dentist
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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