What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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