Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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