Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
