dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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