I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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