i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize