The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
