i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
