the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
