Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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