alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I supernannyed him into submission
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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