i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize