im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
