I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
