she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
