had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
