Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
