It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
