I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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