Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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