why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
