I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Come share oat with me in your robe
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
