did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
