I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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