i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
