My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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