I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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