Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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