Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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