He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize