I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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