Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This house was built for laser tag.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
