Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
