I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
