On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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