I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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