we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
