made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
