Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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