as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
