two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
