Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize