White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
