My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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