I cannot find my penis.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
