Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
