the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you didnt know i had herpes?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
