Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
